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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142334">all you wanna do, all you wanna do</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystarsandmyocean/pseuds/mystarsandmyocean'>mystarsandmyocean</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Asking For It - Lilah Pace</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant Depictions of Rape/Non-Con, F/M, Five Times, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Rape Fantasy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:54:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,068</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28142334</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystarsandmyocean/pseuds/mystarsandmyocean</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>she burrows through him, a seismic wave to his world.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jonah Marks/Vivienne Charles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Yuletide 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all you wanna do, all you wanna do</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninety6tears/gifts">ninety6tears</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Dear Ninety6tears,</p>
<p>Happy Yuletide! I hope you enjoy your story.</p>
<p>Xoxo<br/>Anonymous </p>
<p>—-</p>
<p>for readers not familiar with the fandom: this features graphic depictions of rape as a sexual fantasy and reference to child abuse.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <em> i. even then I knew </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As he approaches the woman beneath the tree, anticipation fills his mouth. Anticipation and—the taste of something sour. He’s carefully nursed one glass of wine the entire evening, the cheap Pinot thickening his already-heavy tongue, the plastic cup intertwining his breath with the humidity of Texas in the final gasps of summer. </p>
<p>He knows what he heard. This girl—infuriating, insensitive, <em> mine</em>, he pushes the thought away—shares his fantasies. That night, on the road, he hadn’t imagined the awareness thrumming in the air between then, hardening his cock, slickening her imagined cunt.</p>
<p>Already, his mind and his groin are at war, his dick hardening at the thought of this woman, terrified, on her knees, his mind running through all the reasons this has never worked before, all the ways his offer could go so terribly wrong. What kind of woman, after all, fantasizes about being raped?</p>
<p>(<em>what kind of man fantasizes about raping women?</em>)</p>
<p>He doesn’t ask. He cannot imagine her reasonings mirror his in any way, that understanding could possibly reflect from her trembling gaze. But satisfaction? Sexual ratification? </p>
<p>Well, those he can offer her.</p>
<p>But before he can indulge his fantasies—before he can unleash his demons—he needs to lay the choice out for her. </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em> ii. like I get you and you get me  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tell me this is what you deserve.”</p>
<p>He’s saying the words, and Vivienne’s repeating them, but what he hears is Carter—Carter demanding he tell his mother this is what she deserves, Carter mocking his mother, Carter and his mother teaching him this is normal, <em> rape </em>is normal. </p>
<p>He knows it’s not, he knows it’s wrong, but when he digs his fingers into Vivienne’s arms and hears her cry out—in ecstasy—as he slams into her, again and again, her cunt warm and slick as it clenches around his cock, her hips pushing back against his, not in pain, but delight . . . He thinks of her voice, ebullient and dazed, dizzy with arousal. Her pupils blown with adrenaline. </p>
<p>This is what he deserves. No tender kisses. No sweet caresses. No whispered affections or honest concessions. (Her eyes, soft with trust, before he pushed her into the hotel room).</p>
<p>Just Vivienne keeling in his ear as she comes and comes and comes, his fingers clutching her hips hard enough to bruise. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> iii. touch me, love me, can’t get enough, see </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Feeling jealousy is pointless. He knows this. Jealousy is one dark emotion that leads to . . . other darker feelings—rage, possession, bitterness, <em> yearning</em>. The kind of yearning that eats a man’s soul inside (it’s difficult to imagine Carter with a soul, though. His inhumanity is the kind that has calcified from years of abuse, layers of earth grinding down to create the unforgiving, ruthless man he has only ever known his stepfather to be.)</p>
<p>It’s why, after all, he’s never quite understood Elise’s inexplicable need to defend and cling to that waste of space who’s slowly, but surely, latching himself onto her would-be wondrous life. When people burrow inside you, intertwine themselves with your deepest desires . . . He’s never experienced that level of connection before, so he’s utterly unprepared for the way it knocks him to the floor when he does. </p>
<p>With Vivienne, he wants <em> everything</em>. Every touch. Every want. Every desire. </p>
<p>So when she says she wants the same—when she blurs the line between them, putting their fantasies and their feelings (attraction, interest, still desire) on the same plane—</p>
<p>He still cannot imagine opening his deepest wounds to her. To anyone. But a relationship he’d like to try.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <em> iv. tell me what you need </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s had relationships in the past. Women he’s liked—perhaps could have loved. But together, with Vivienne, he knows they’re building something new. A relationship built on trust—on honesty—on embracing both his growing admiration, and affection, for this kind, sensitive woman and on bringing light to his deepest shame.</p>
<p>He craves their games, their conversations, but more so, he craves now those moments after, when their vulnerabilities have been laid bare and Vivienne allows him to care for her, enfolding him in her gentle touch.</p>
<p>He’s come to realize this, as much as the show of force, as much as the role of aggressor, is the fantasy for him. Soothing Vivienne’s bruises, wiping away their sweat and slickness, after he has brutalized her allows him to believe he is not like Carter, that he is different, that <em> they </em>are different. </p>
<p>He loves their games. He craves them. But he <em> treasures </em>the moments after.</p>
<p>(And in his darkest moments, he wonders if that doesn’t make him a different kind of monster too).</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <em>v. there’s no time for when or how</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seeing Carter brings out his worst impulses, his worst emotions—his worst <em> fears</em>. He should know better at this point than to let that monster into his head, but every time he sees Carter’s face, it’s like he’s back in that house, that room, watching his mother cry and scream and <em> beg</em>. </p>
<p>He thinks playing with Vivienne will exorcise his demons, the way they do for her, but instead of relief, all he sees is Carter’s knowing smirk as he throws Vivienne to the floor, Carter’s cold eyes as calls her a whore, Carter’s sincere belief that he has made Jonah in his image as he—</p>
<p>“Silver.”</p>
<p>Enough. <em> Enough</em>.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> &amp; finally where I’m meant to be </em>
</p>
<p>He always appreciates the beauty of the many sites he visits during his studies, but seeing them through Vivienne’s eyes is a novel experience. Seeing anything through her eyes is. Burrowed in bed, he cajoles her into showing him pages after pages of sketches, laughing in delight when he sees she’s captured not just the local wildlife but him as well. </p>
<p>And when he puts the sketches aside, his hands moving to caress her sides, a smile lights her face as he drags her sweater over her head. She doesn’t orgasm, but her thighs clench his head as his tongue sweeps over her clit, each broad lick followed by a flick against her sensitive bud, her chants filling the air as she demands, “Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t you dare stop.”</p>
<p>He has no plans to do so. And he’ll tell her so—that he’s not letting her go, not again, not until she tells him to. </p>
<p>Once she tells him to stop, of course.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Header titles are from All You Wanna Do (c) Six the Musical</p></blockquote></div></div>
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